There are probably more.
All of these things that I am play together. Some needing more attention than others at any given moment.
At this moment, the writer is screaming for attention. The photographer has a great deal of work to get done this weekend. More than there are hours in the day, but until the writer gets his way, nothing is going to get done. So there we are.
I’m feeling a sense of sadness today because I’ve made the decision to put something away that I have really loved. I’m not going to get into specifics, but it’s something that has really shaped me the past year, I think for the better. Challenged me. Forced me to grow. Forced me to learn again. Made me focus in order to succeed.
And I have succeeded.
But recent events out of my control have made this thing that I’ve loved in the past very painful in the present. Painful to the point that it’s beginning to affect forward movement on so many other positive things in my work and life. Like an appendage that has become infected, it has to be cut off, even though losing it causes me tremendous sadness.
One thing that I’ve learned in my life over the years is that, for me, it’s difficult to heal in close proximity to something that has injured me. It’s not impossible to do it, but it takes much longer. It’s not that I’m not strong enough. I have proven to myself that I am. But it’s just not healthy to be in an environment that continues to cause pain. Keeping my hand in the fire isn’t proving anything. It’s just being dumb now.
I’m doing this now because I don’t want it to be ruined forever, and I can now see that it will be unless I make some changes immediately.
I will love this thing again, but I will only be able to do it after I get some distance between the pain and the love. The only thing that can do that is time. Time to not think about it. And in time, I’ll find a way to do it again that isn’t in such an unhealthy environment.
When I’m faced with something painful, my friends who know about it always ask me what I’m going to do with that pain photographically. What art am I going to make out of it? I never have an answer to it because, for me, art is joyful. Making art is such a positive experience for me that if I’m doing it, I rarely feel anything but happiness and inspiration. And it then, in turn, is inspiring to others much of the time. So to make art out of something that is painful or about something that hurts has really been beyond my scope historically.
But I may have figured out a way to do it this time. Well I should say I’ve figured out the concept, but I’m not sure it’s something I can technically do. By that I mean, I’m the subject of the photograph, but I need to be behind the camera at the same time and it will be impossible to do both. I can always have someone else behind the camera, but I’m not sure how I’ll feel about that since it’s a very personal project. Camera timers and other devices will not give me the time I need to release the shutter and get into the frame in the way I’m imagining.
I’ll figure it out. I just may not figure it out today.
Okay, writer. You’ve had your moment in the sun. Now it’s time to give someone else a chance. The others have things to do as well in the next 12 hours.
Okay, then we’ll see you next time.
I’m going to see a concert tonight with a friend of mine. I have been healed many times by music. In amazing places. I’m looking forward to losing myself in it again, only to find what I need to walk forward.